Summary.What’s the best way to tell someone your pronouns at work?
- The answer is clear, straightforward, and casual — in the same way you’d share what region or city you live in.
- In-person, share them with your basic intro. “Hey! My name isLilyZheng. I use they/them pronouns, and I’m a diversity, equity, and inclusion strategist living on Muwekma Ohlone land in the San Francisco Bay Area.”
- Online, including in email signatures, you can include your pronouns (typically in the format of “X/X” or “X/X/X” (e.g. “she/her” or “she/her/hers”).
- When it comes to asking someone their pronouns, it can get more complicated, as most peopledon’t ask everyone their pronouns — most people only tend to ask visibly transgender or gender-nonconforming people.
- Theadvice here is to focus instead on always introducing yourself with your pronouns. If the individual you meet feels comfortable doing so, they may share their pronouns with you.
- For all people who have not shared their pronouns with you, commit to usingsingular “they”until you learn their pronouns.
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Two years ago, I attended a Christmas party at my parent’s house in California. Picture a dimly lit room filled with candles and wine, cheery tunes, and garlands twinkling in the background. I was standing in the kitchen, picking cheese from a platter, when a relative resembling a Disney villain pronounced that I looked more masculine than she remembered. She sipped her drink and co*cked her head to the side, taking in my buzzed hair, green vest, and slacks.
“You were a very feminine child,” she said. “You wore little bows and dresses.” She reached her manicured claw towards my plate and snatched a chunk of cheddar.
It had been a long time since I lacked the language to explain my own identity, but there I was, at a loss. The room spiraled in on itself and I was, again, a budding teen, standing in front of a mirror, trying and failing to verbalize what was happening in my mind and to my body. The difference was that, back then, words like genderqueer and non-binary were unknown to me. My experience was hard to justify — to myself and to others — because I didn’t have the vocabulary to name it.The gender norms I observed as a kid, which were reiterated in my home and in the media throughout my adolescence and young adulthood, made it difficult to imagine any other way of being.
But now, I was educated. I had created a life for myself in Boston. I wore a suit one day and slathered my eyes in compostable glitter the next. My friends never asked questions. They cheered in celebration.
So, why then, did I stare blankly at my relative and say nothing?
While her words were rude and probably transphobic, they did force me to turn inward in a way I hadn’t done in years. When I did, I came to a realization: Even with the privileges and safety my queer community provides me, this interaction was difficult because it hit on something deeply tied to who I am. Clothes and haircuts may not mean everything to everyone, but for me, they are tools that allow me to share myself authentically with other people. My presentation signals how I feel inside — not entirely like a “she,” not entirely like a “he,” but somewhere in between. Non-binary.
To have another person recognize that part of me, and then openly ridicule it, was very painful.
It would be nice to live in a world where people like me, or any member of the LGBTQIA+ community, never have to justify our existence. Some people actually do live in that world. But for those of us who fall outside the fine lines of what is considered mainstream, lacking the language to name and explain our experiences is still dangerous.
Read more about
How to Talk About Pronouns at Work: A Visual Guide
This year, I have started taking the pronouns she/her/hersand they/them/theirs. Like the clothing I use to express my gender, pronouns are labels that make us more visible and indicate we are not alone. I think about what it would have meant to my younger self had I discovered this sooner. It’s the kind of progress that can save lives.
Even so, I’m navigating the implications of my decision: How do I sharemy pronouns withother people? How do I ask other people what their pronouns are? How do I figure all of this out, especially in more professional environments?
I talked to Lily Zheng, author of Gender Ambiguity in the Workplace, to get a little guidance.
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Paige: What’s the best way to share your pronouns, both in life and in work?
Lily: Clear, straightforward, and casual — in the same way you’d share what region or city you live in. In person, share them with your basic intro: “Hey! My name isLilyZheng. I use they/them pronouns, and I’m a diversity, equity, and inclusion strategist living on Muwekma Ohlone land in the San Francisco Bay Area.”
If you don’t have the chance for a formal introduction, you can shorten it further. “Hey! I’mLily, they/them pronouns. You?”
Online and in email signatures, you can include your pronouns, typically in the format of “X/X” or “X/X/X” (e.g. “she/her” or “she/her/hers”), somewhere easy to read.
Is the process different when you’re first meeting people vs. when your pronouns change after having known someone for a while? For example, if your colleagues are used to using she/her or he/him pronouns for you, and you now identify with they/them pronouns, how do you let them know? Do you owe them an explanation?
I had this experience myself: After using she/her pronouns for my entire young adulthood and professional career, I started using both they/them and she/her pronouns mid-2020, and moved fully to they/them pronouns by the end of the year.
Beyond changing the pronouns on my social media and online bios, I was casual but firm to folks about the changes as I was making them. First, I told folks, “I’m using both they/them and she/her these days! No worries about using they/them all the time, but I’d very much appreciate the effort.”
Then: “I’m using just they/them now. Thanks for understanding and respecting that.”
You owe them as much explanation as if you were describing your move to a new city — that is, only as much as you feel enthusiastic about sharing.
I’m a little scared that when I tell someone my pronouns they are going to want to have big conversations around them. I don’t always have the energy for that, and other times, it feels too personal. How do you navigate that kind of situation when it comes up?
Remember that you have a huge amount of leeway over the way you yourself talk about pronouns — your “discursive framing,” if you want to be fancy about it.
If you speak about your pronouns in a hushed, apologetic voice, you are positioning it as a topic that you don’t expect people to understand. If you speak about your pronouns in a defiant voice, you are positioning it as a topic you expect to receive resistance and conflict around. If you speak about your pronouns as casually as you’re talking about what you had for lunch, you’re positioning it as a non-starter when it comes to discussion. You have the agency to decide which framing to use in any conversation given your relationship to the person, the context of the situation, and your own capacity and energy levels.
If you’ve done that and somebody still pushes your boundaries with their inquiry, you can gently but decisively enforce your boundary with a statement and/or humor that indicates the question was inappropriate.
Person: “Butwhythey/them? Isn’t that controversial? Does that mean you do drag?”
You, Situation A: “We’re in the middle of a meeting about this product, and I’d like to stay on topic — email me later this week and I’ll be happy to chat then.”
You, Situation B: “Ha, you want my social security number while we’re at it? I’ll send you a resource to learn more if you’re curious.”
What should you do if someone calls you by the wrong pronoun?
Give a simple but clear correction, without apology.
Person: “This is my colleague, Paige. She works on the editorial team…”
You: “Oh — I use ‘they/them’ pronouns. Thanks!”
Also, what should you do if you call someone the wrong pronoun?
Give a simple apology, and immediately make the correction by restating the sentence where you misgendered theindividual.
Person: “Oh — I use ‘they/them’ pronouns. Thanks!”
You: “My mistake, sorry. They work on the editorial team…”
Don’t over-apologize, attempt to explain or make an excuse for why you may have made the error, or passive-aggressively make the correction. Apologize, make the correction, and move on. Importantly, update your mental understanding of the individual in question so that the correct pronoun comes to mind the next time you interact.
On the other end of this, are there best practices around how to ask someone their pronouns?
Asking pronouns can be complicated. On the one hand, not asking pronouns leads to potentially incorrect assumptions and misgendering. However, in practice most peopledon’task everyone their pronouns — most people only tend to ask visibly transgender or gender-nonconforming people. This can be marginalizing and insulting, especially when an individual singles me out in a crowd to ask my pronouns.
My advice is to focus instead on always introducing yourself with your pronouns. If the individual you meet feels comfortable doing so, they may share their pronouns with you. For all people who have not shared their pronouns with you, commit to usingsingular “they”until you learn their pronouns.
One of my cisgender friends recently asked me this question, and I was unsure how to answer it: Should cisgender people share their pronouns? It is a helpful act of allyship or is it centering themselves in someone else’s story? Do you have thoughts on this?
Easy yes: All cisgender people should share their pronouns. In the same way that men in the workplace who make use of flexible time or parental leave normalize women and people of other genders doing so as well, cisgender people sharing pronouns (not with a “savior” mindset but simply as a matter of course) normalize the behavior when trans and gender-nonconforming people do the same.
Where allies can go wrong is when they make an overly big deal or show out of sharing their pronouns — this has the opposite effect of casting the action as strange or unusual, and makes itmoredifficult for trans and gender-nonconforming people to do the same without repercussions.
If someone tells you that they take more than one pronoun, like in my case she/her and they/them, how do you navigate which you should use? For me, I feel fine with either and I try to tell people that when they ask – but I know some of my friends have told me they feel anxious about using the wrong pronoun when people don’t clarify their preferences. Do you have advice for people around this?
If people share that they use multiple sets of pronouns, make your best efforts to use the different sets they’ve shared. If you feel comfortable, you can ask them whether they prefer others using different pronouns within the same conversation (e.g. “I was talking to her the other day. They told me…”) or changing pronoun sets across different conversations (e.g. Conversation 1: “I was talking to her the other day. She told me…”; Conversation 2: “They mentioned that to me before! They were saying…”).
Resist the urge to only address them by the single pronoun set that feels most comfortable for you, even if it’s a set that they have indicated they are okay with.
FAQs
The only proper response to the question “What are your pronouns?” is to reject the premise and refuse to answer.
What does it mean when someone's pronouns are she and they? ›
What does it mean if a person uses the pronouns "he/they" or "she/they"? "That means that the person uses both pronouns, and you can alternate between those when referring to them. So either pronoun would be fine — and ideally mix it up, use both.
What are my pronouns if I'm a girl? ›
She, her, hers and he, him, his are the most commonly used pronouns. Some people call these "female/feminine" and "male/masculine" pronouns, but many avoid these labels because, for example, not everyone who uses he feels like a "male" or "masculine." There are also lots of gender-neutral pronouns in use.
What is my preferred pronoun? ›
A biological male who identifies as female may prefer feminine pronouns (she, her, hers), a biological female who identifies as male may prefer masculine pronouns (he, him, his), and others may not identify as either, preferring gender-neutral pronouns (they, them, theirs).
How do you describe yourself in pronouns? ›
Pronouns like “me, myself and I” are how people talk about themselves, and pronouns like “you, she, he and they” are some pronouns that people use to talk about others. A person's pronouns are the third-person singular pronouns that they would like others to use for them.
What is my gender pronoun? ›
Gendered pronouns specifically reference someone's gender: he/him/his or she/her/hers. Non-gendered or nonbinary pronouns are not gender specific and are most often used by people who identify outside of a gender binary.
What does it mean when someone says my pronouns are they? ›
Second, there is a movement to use pronouns to signal gender identity, as in my pronouns are they/them/theirs. This means that the speaker wishes for other people to refer to them with the singular pronoun they.
What does it mean if my pronouns are they? ›
What they/them pronouns mean to professionals who identify with them. They/them is often (though not exclusively) used by nonbinary individuals. This can include those who identify as being between or beyond genders, having no gender, or having no fixed gender.
Why do people say what their pronouns are? ›
You may have noticed that many people are sharing their pronouns in conversations, introductions, bios, and email signatures. The reason this is happening is to make spaces more inclusive to transgender (trans), gender noncomforming, and non-binary people.
What are the pronouns for a straight girl? ›
She/her/hers and he/him/his are a few commonly used pronouns. Some people call these “feminine” and “masculine” pronouns, but many people avoid these labels because not everyone who uses he/him/his feels “masculine” and not everyone who uses she/her/hers feels “feminine”.
She, her, hers and he, him, his are common and more familiar pronouns. Some people call these “female/feminine” and “male/masculine” pronouns, but many avoid these labels because, for example, not everyone who uses he feels like a “male” or “masculine”. There are lots of gender-neutral pronouns in use.
What are the accepted pronouns? ›
Using someone's correct pronouns is an important way of affirming someone's identity and is a fundamental step in being an ally. Common pronouns include she/her/hers, he/him/his, and they/them/theirs. There are other nonbinary pronouns.
What are the 7 gender pronouns? ›
Gendered pronouns include she and he, her and him, hers and his, and herself and himself. "Personal gender pronouns" (or PGPs) are the pronouns that people ask others to use in reference to themselves. They may be plural gender-neutral pronouns such as they, them, their(s).
How do you introduce yourself in a pronoun? ›
Pronoun Introductions: The Short Version
For example: “Please introduce yourself to the class by sharing your name, what pronouns you'd like us to use when referring to you (such as he, she, they or something else), and [any other introductory question you want to ask].
What's up with gender pronouns? ›
Gender pronouns are the terms people use when referring to someone in the third person. Like their name, gender pronouns affirm part of a person's identity. It is just as disrespectful to use the wrong pronouns as it is to call someone by the wrong name. As a general rule, you shouldn't assume a person's pronouns.
What are the 10 examples of pronoun? ›
Some examples of personal pronouns are I, you, he, she, we, they, him, her, he, she, us and them. Subject Pronouns are pronouns that perform the action in a sentence. Some examples of subject pronouns are I, you, we, he, she, it, they and one.
What are 5 personal pronouns? ›
I, you, he, she, it, we, they, me, him, her, us, and them are all personal pronouns.
What are 6 examples of personal pronouns? ›
What are the examples of personal pronouns? I, me, you, we, us, he, him, she, her, they, them and it are called personal pronouns as they take the place of a particular person or thing in a sentence or a context.
Why do gender pronouns matter? ›
Mistaking or assuming peoples' pronouns without asking first, mistakes their gender and sends a harmful message. Using someone's correct gender pronouns is one of the most basic ways to show your respect for their identity.
Should I put my pronouns in my email signature? ›
The importance of pronouns in email signatures
It's a way for the person receiving the email to understand the preferred way for them to address you. By adding pronouns into your email signature, it shows the person receiving the email which pronouns they should use when referring to you and talking to you directly.
A pronoun (I, me, he, she, herself, you, it, that, they, each, few, many, who, whoever, whose, someone, everybody, etc.) is a word that takes the place of a noun. In the sentence Joe saw Jill, and he waved at her, the pronouns he and her take the place of Joe and Jill, respectively.
What do you call someone if you don't know their pronouns? ›
When you don't know someone's pronouns and can't ask them, it's always safe to use the gender-neutral “they” until you hear otherwise.
Who is bigender? ›
Bigender refers to a person who has two gender identities or a combination of two gender identities, e.g., identifying as both male and female or identifying as agender and female. It's not to be confused with bisexuality, where a person experiences romantic, emotional, or sexual attraction to two genders.
What are types of pronoun? ›
Other Types of Pronoun
| Pronoun Type | Members of the Subclass |
|---|
| Relative | that, which, who, whose, whom, where, when |
| Demonstrative | this, that, these, those |
| Interrogative | who, what, why, where, when, whatever |
| Indefinite | anything, anybody, anyone, something, somebody, someone, nothing, nobody, none, no one |
3 more rowsIntentional refusal to use someone's correct pronouns is equivalent to harassment and a violation of one's civil rights. The Title VII of the Civil Rights Act of 1964 expressly prohibits workplace discrimination on the basis of race, color, religion, sex, and national origin.
What do the pronouns mean in Lgbtq? ›
They are linguistic tools that we use to refer to people, such as they/them/theirs, she/her/hers, he/him/his or even zie/zir/zirs. Someone's pronouns inform us how to best refer to and honor them. It is not necessary to know someone's gender identity or pronouns in advance of meeting them.
What does it mean when someone puts they, them after their name? ›
If someone has gender pronouns next to their profile name, they're simply informing you on how to refer to them. By doing this, it allows others not to make assumptions about one's gender. It eliminates the possibility of potentially calling someone by the wrong gender expression.
When did pronouns become a big deal? ›
In the late 1970s there was another public push for gender neutral pronouns, and “le” was briefly used before dying out. Fast forward to the 2010s, and we see a sharp rise in gender neutral pronouns from something talked about primarily within LGBTQ+ communities, to a broader global conversation.
Why should I list my pronouns? ›
It makes it easier to avoid misgendering someone. It helps combat sexism. It is a common assumption that gender-neutral names belong to men. By not sharing their pronouns, some folks are treated with greater respect because the other party believes they are a man1.
What does it mean when someone refers to themselves as they? ›
She/They and He/They
Someone who uses she/they pronouns may identify as both being a woman and nonbinary. Or, they could be genderfluid, genderqueer, bigender, or another identity. (For more, check out A Guide to Genderqueer, Non-Binary, and Genderfluid Identity from Psychology Today.)
'They', for instance, is a third-person pronoun that is gender neutral. Other gender-neutral pronouns include 'them', 'this person', 'everyone', 'Ze', or 'Hir'. If you're not sure which pronoun to use, you can also use that person's name.
Which personal pronouns can be singular and plural? ›
Second person pronouns are used to talk about the person you are speaking to. These include you, yours, yourself, etc. You can be both singular and plural in English.
What are the gender pronouns for CIS female? ›
If you are a cisgender woman, people use she/her/hers when talking about you; if you are a cisgender man, people use he/his/his. Pronouns can become an issue for transgender and/or non-binary people, if they have to constantly announce which pronouns are appropriate for them, and to remind people of it.
What are 4 common pronouns? ›
Common pronouns are he, she, you, me, I, we, us, this, them, that. A pronoun can act as a subject, direct object, indirect object, object of the preposition, and more and takes the place of any person, place, animal or thing.
What are examples of preferred pronouns? ›
What is a “preferred gender pronoun”? example: If Xena's preferred pronouns are she, her, and hers, you could say "Xena ate her food because she was hungry."
Are there rules to pronouns? ›
RULE: Pronouns have three cases: nominative (I, you, he, she, it, they), possessive (my, your, his, her, their), and objective (me, him, her, him, us, them). Use the nominative case when the pronoun is the subject of your sentence, and remember the rule of manners: always put the other person's name first!
What are the rules for pronouns? ›
Basic Rules
A pronoun takes the place of a specific noun. Examples of pronouns include I, you, he, she, it, we, they, me, him, her, us, them, hers, his, who, whom, whose, which etc. The original noun which the pronoun replaces is called the antecedent.
What is the golden rule of pronouns? ›
Pronouns (including possessives their, her, his, etc.) must agree in number and gender with their antecedents. In particular, "they," "their," and "them" must always refer to plural subjects.
What is a preferred gender pronoun? ›
A preferred gender pronoun, or PGP, is simply the pronoun or set of pronouns that an individual would like others to use when talking to or about that individual. In English, the singular pronouns that we use most frequently are: I, you, she, her, he, him, and it.
What are the 23 personal pronouns list? ›
In Modern English the personal pronouns include: "I," "you," "he," "she," "it," "we," "they," "them," "us," "him," "her," "his," "hers," "its," "theirs," "our," "your." Personal pronouns are used in statements and commands, but not in questions; interrogative pronouns (like "who," "whom," "what") are used there.
Introducing yourself with your pronouns can often make it safer and more comfortable for others who might not necessarily use 'traditional' pronouns to come out in that space. Introducing yourself with your pronouns is an effective way to be an active ally to trans, genderqueer, and gender non-conforming folks.
How do you write personal pronouns? ›
Personal pronouns are used to replace people, places or things to make sentences shorter and clearer. Examples of personal pronouns include: I, we, it, they, you, and she. Your choice of personal pronoun will determine if you are writing in the first person or the third person.
How to be gender-neutral? ›
3. Do not make gender visible when it is not relevant for communication
- 3.1 Use gender-neutral words. Less inclusive. ...
- 3.2 Using plural pronouns/adjectives. ...
- 3.3 Use the pronoun one. ...
- 3.4 Use the relative pronoun who. ...
- 3.5 Use a plural antecedent. ...
- 3.6 Omit the gendered word. ...
- 3.7 Use the passive voice.
Use they to indicate a nonbinary or gender-neutral subject (doer) of a verb (action) instead of he or she. For example: They cook an amazing lasagna or They have an important meeting at noon.
How do you avoid gender pronouns? ›
Tips for Avoiding Gender Bias in Writing
- Make your sentences imperative. ...
- Use plural nouns and pronouns. ...
- Remove the pronoun. ...
- Replace the pronoun with a more generic noun. ...
- Repeat the noun, especially if there is a possibility of confusion. ...
- Replace pronouns with articles. ...
- Rephrase the sentence. ...
- Uploaded.
“Hi, my name is Cameron. My pronouns are she, her and hers.”
What are the pronouns for a female? ›
She, her, hers and he, him, his are common and more familiar pronouns. Some people call these “female/feminine” and “male/masculine” pronouns, but many avoid these labels because, for example, not everyone who uses he feels like a “male” or “masculine”.
Do you have to identify your pronouns? ›
Including pronouns may not suddenly change people's minds, as you say, but it's a useful reminder to avoid making assumptions and to address people correctly. It may also make it easier for some trans and nonbinary people to come out. A better guideline would ask you to consider including your pronouns.
What are the 7 pronouns? ›
There are seven types of pronouns that both English and English as a second language writers must recognize: the personal pronoun, the demonstrative pronoun, the interrogative pronoun, the relative pronoun, the indefinite pronoun, the reflexive pronoun, and the intensive pronoun.
What are the 7 personal pronouns? ›
The personal pronouns for subjects are I, you, he, she, it, we, and they. For objects, they are me, you, him, her, it, us, and them.
What are the examples of personal pronouns? I, me, you, we, us, he, him, she, her, they, them and it are called personal pronouns as they take the place of a particular person or thing in a sentence or a context.
What type of pronoun is she? ›
In Modern English, she is a singular, feminine, third-person pronoun.
What are gender neutral pronouns? ›
Gender-neutral pronouns are words that don't specify whether the subject of the sentence is female or male. 'They', for instance, is a third-person pronoun that is gender neutral. Other gender-neutral pronouns include 'them', 'this person', 'everyone', 'Ze', or 'Hir'.
Why do I list my pronouns? ›
It makes it easier to avoid misgendering someone. It helps combat sexism. It is a common assumption that gender-neutral names belong to men. By not sharing their pronouns, some folks are treated with greater respect because the other party believes they are a man1.
Do your pronouns have to match your gender? ›
Everyone has the right to use the gender pronouns that match their personal identity. These pronouns may or may not match their gender expression (how the person dresses, behaves, or looks). What are some commonly used gender pronouns? She, her, and hers and he, him, and his are the most commonly used pronouns.
Should you introduce yourself with pronouns? ›
Introducing yourself with your pronouns can often make it safer and more comfortable for others who might not necessarily use 'traditional' pronouns to come out in that space. Introducing yourself with your pronouns is an effective way to be an active ally to trans, genderqueer, and gender non-conforming folks.
